Sunday, November 22, 2009

Ten Foods not to feed me

It's Thanksgiving week here in the USA, and we inevitably ignore the real meaning of the holiday (which I think involves a turkey and the Alamo) and focus on food. In that spirit (the food, not the Alamo), here are random things that I simply do not care for.

1. Meat on the bone. I know that any time meat is processed, there's the chance that there are going to be horrific elements (fingers, hooves, cell phone batteries) but I simply don't care... I will choose chicken strips over a chicken drumstick any time. There's something about gnawing on a bone that repulses me (no homophobe) and the effort:payoff ratio is way out of whack.


1a. Buffalo wings. This is a special case of dislike. I don't like the taste of most of the buffalo wings I've eaten and they are particularly messy... and I have odd memories of college involving dorm-mates sweating profusely while wolfing innumerable buffalo wings down. *shiver*


2. Meatloaf. This is an oddity insofar as it seems like I should like the whole dish based on the parts that construct it. Meatloaf, though, is one of the few foods that I actively despised as a child (my mom's cooking was otherwise more than acceptable; I actually had one encounter with cottage cheese where I informed my mother I would throw up if I had to eat it, she made me eat it, and I puked on the kitchen table... which is an awesome story and a case of a child training a parent through the use of projective vomiting) and I have no interest in trying loafs of meat until I find one I can stomach.

3. Corn on the cob. I consider this the closest thing to "vegetable on the bone" and as such I avoid it. I also hate when it gets stuck in my teeth and, again, it's much easier to let someone else remove the edible parts from the stupid cob.


4. Grapefruit. I like oranges and most citrus fruits I have tried. Grapefruit is a definite exception. I know that it's good for me, and I try it occasionally, but... yuck. It's like someone took orange juice and took out all the good stuff and added 151 and then removed the alcohol. And then that someone came and kicked me in the stomach. Gross.

5. Coffee. Crazy, given where I live, I know. But the smell of coffee is gross to me. The taste of coffee ice cream disgusts me. KahlĂșa is more of the same, although if I drank enough of it in one sitting I might get over it at some point.

6. Scrambled Eggs/Fried Eggs. I love omelettes, and I can live with "scrambles"... but having unadulterated scrambled eggs to have to choke down grosses me out. Fried egg--whether with a hard yolk or not--grosses me out. Just grossness all around.

7. French toast. I love pancakes. I love crepes. I can handle waffles (although I don't like it when they scrape the roof of my mouth). French toast is close to these things, but just close enough to piss me off that I'm not eating one of the things I actually like. Internecine breakfast conflict is often the most traumatic, as we all know.

8. Sweet pickles. Seriously, how can there be both a God and sweet pickles? I'm pretty sure that that questions was at the heart of the Reformation.

9. Crabcakes. I'm not a fan of seafood generally, and crabcakes are actually something that I like the taste of... but I've had them two or three times and become remarkably sick. I have a working theory that I can keep them down unless I eat them during times of stress (e.g., finishing the bar exam or celebrating a career change). In any case, it's usually better safe than sorry... unlike most things on this list, though, I will eat crabcakes if they are the lesser of available evils (such as when I am actually confronted with that classic moral dilemma of sacrificing a thousand people on the other side of the world or eating well-prepared crabcakes from a nice restaurant).


10. Sauerkraut. I don't think I've ever even tried this. I also firmly believe that it smells like rancid housecleaning products.

So... there you go. Please don't offer me these things... or, if you must, please expect to enrage me and/or trigger my gag reflex. I don't like my gag reflex being triggered (no homophobe).

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