One thing that's been an unexpected (although not surprising, in retrospect) side effect of being single (or, as I put in my MySpace profile, "Divorced"... if/when I get "In a Relationship" I'm going to get all confused about whether to change it or not...) is thinking a lot about dating and relationships.
I had expected to think of women. I hadn't really thought that I would spin my wheels so much in abstract musings/pontifications/internal ravings regarding women in general.
I blogged about dating as juggling almost 20 months ago. I recently revealed to a few intimates my thoughts about women as fortune cookies. And now? The latest thoughts.
So here's the deal. This isn't terribly insightful. It's not an answer for me or for anyone about dating or significant others or picking up dudes to sleep with or trying to convince the Seahawks to sign Michael Turner as a free agent this offseason. Of course, that caveat is pretty much Ctrl-v'able for every blog entry. So here we go.
I'm going to classify relationships. Placing the classification on a graph, there are two axes, the two variables and the two states for each. The variables are "Start of a Relationship" and "Mature State of a Relationship" (or, alternatively, "End of a Relationship"... where it achieves steady state for better or worse). The states are "Good" and "Bad".
Dramatic oversimplification? Sure. Ambiguous? Yes. "Good" and "Bad" can mean different things to different people... even in the same relationship. There's no cutoff for the Start or Mature states of relationships. Hopefully you can accept this in the same way you so readily accept rational actors in classical macroeconomic theory. (You do accept rational actors in classical macroeconomic theory, right? Right?)
As you can see, there are four different classifications based on the four different quadrants. I want to talk to each a little bit. There will be pictures.
Turkey
(Good Start, Bad End)
(Good Start, Bad End)
Have you seen a baby turkey? There are lots of different kinds of turkeys, but from what I can tell, they start off pretty cute.
Sure, it's got a little bump on its noggin, and bird feet are disgusting. But he's a cute little guy, right? Similarly, relationships can start good... they don't need to be perfect to be promising and to get one excited about the future. So... in case some of you don't see where this is going, let's check out an adult turkey:
Dear lord. Foul.
I don't need to make a list of what can go wrong with a relationship... when they start well and end up poorly (involving, but not limited to, homemade lasagna being eaten alone after being stood up, someone canceling their MySpace account without ever calling you back after the first date, and being kidnapped by the Chinese government and being tortured for a year) I classify them as "Turkeys". And I think that it's obvious that the vast majority of dating situations are turkeys.
Oak
(Bad Start, Good End)
The Oak is the opposite of the Turkey... it starts off bad but ends well.
That is not TravelMate 2000's penis. That is an acorn. I suppose it (the acorn, not TravelMate 2000's penis) can be used for a hearty soup or for acorn fights (assuming proper eye protection is available, natch) but... it's not really much of an indication that it's going to be much of a much. Unless you know that an acorn grows into an oak tree under the right conditions.
I'm no expert, but even under the best of circumstances not every acorn will blossom to reach its potential. In a dating/early relationship situation, there are a lot of acorns, right? And what percentage of those are going to become mighty oaks? (There are so many erection jokes here, I can barely contain myself...)
Of course, it's necessary to remember that an acorn is a "bad start". While an acorn looks good when you see it later as a tree, in real life an acorn might be something else. Something much less pleasant.
Cobra
(Bad Start, Bad End)
No, that's not TravelMate 2000's penis, either (stop asking!). It's a baby cobra, newly hatched from its egg. Maybe someone MIGHT think, "What a cute little pink, scaly, nasty little motherfucker who starts biting within moments of coming out of its egg!" Maybe.
The odds are, though, that we can agree that it's bad news. Especially since we all know that it will eventually grow into a larger, scaly, nasty motherfucker who will kill you if you start singing Neil Diamond in its presence.
It's just off camera, but some pathetic "Sweet Caroline" crooner is about to get some venom to his neck.
So... a baby cobra is disgusting in a way that an acorn is not... but in the "Start" state they're the same. By sticking around in a bad-starting relationship (whatever that means to you... maybe an unattractive person, maybe a an alcoholic, maybe a karaoke singer (OK... the last two things are redundant, but you get my point)) you might get an oak. Or you might get a cobra.
Alba
(Good Start, Good End)
The opposite of the Cobra is, of course, the Alba. As in Jessica Alba. I know a lot of thesis papers have been written throughout this decade, comparing and contrasting the two, but I want to make my own contribution.
I first became aware of Jessica Alba around 1995. I was finished with undergrad. I was in the middle of my longterm relationship. She was 14 and had a part on the "Flipper" television show. She was 14, as I said, and I was 21-22ish. Now? Seven or eight years is nothing. At that point? It was enough to make me wonder what the fuck was wrong with me that I found her so hot.
Now I'm older and... she was an attractive kid. Good start.
"But whatever became of her?", I hear you asking. Well, rather than slipping from the public consciousness and/or becoming plain as she aged, she became... um... better.
So. Yeah. A relationship that starts well and ends well is an "Alba". Clearly she has a good end.
While the Alba is the opposite of the Turkey, it's quite uncommon. It would be interesting to see if the Alba is more or less common than the Oak... I'll have to do a study or something.
