Birthday Party Aversion

Shawty? Nope.

TM2000? Nope.

Winner? Nope.

Stix? Nope.

Big Apple? Nope.

Queen Bee? Nope.

F-Bomb? Nope.

Sneetch? Nope.

Raft Mate? Nope.

These are all people that I consider to be friends of mine. They all invited me to their birthday parties/birthday get-togethers within the last year and I did not attend. In over half of the cases, I had declined in advance, but that doesn't excuse my absences. (I'm not counting folks like lol who have given up on inviting me, as well as others I'm almost certainly currently forgetting.)

I've known Shawty for almost exactly three years. We met the on her birthday eve in 2008. We spent, basically, that whole weekend together and we dated for several months after that. In 2009, she was dating another guy but I just happened to be at Ozzie's when she had her party. In 2010, I drove up to Who-Knows-Where, WA, to go to dinner and dancing with her and her friends. I was there as her ex-bf was being all weird when she was talking on the phone to her then-bf (who was an International Man of Asshole, as it turns out).

We chat every day. She's an important person to me, and I know she's been having a less-than-optimally fun time in life lately. Her bday party was on Saturday night, and I didn't go. And I feel like a dick now.

It wasn't a matter of a conflict--I had planned on going, and I would have been happy to spend the evening with her under other circumstances--and it wasn't a matter of really wanting to do something else... I am coming to terms with the fact that I really REALLY don't like birthday parties.

I have spent most of today thinking about what that is... whether there is some legitimate reason that I can hide behind as I reflect on all the birthday parties that I have chosen not to attend.

Let's start with my own birthday.

• There's the obvious: I'm old. I don't dislike my birthday, in particular, but celebrating my advancing age? Just not a high priority. 
• Secondly: I don't care to be the center of attention. Even when I dress ridiculously or sing a karaoke song or take a chainsaw to a marching band, I enjoy being able to disappear.
• I've had a bad experience or two regarding my birthday. As a kid I don't really have many memories of my birthday. I don't think I have big parties, but I remember that I would get cheesecake as a wee lad and then german chocolate (with the coconut frosting) as I got older. I have no negative memories of birthdays, which I guess is good, right? Well, in 2008 I had a very brutal birthday party involving misunderstandings and girls and an overwhelming sense of pressure. It was a really stressful night, and it's part of the reason the last couple of years I specifically haven't gone out of my way to do anything.

Now, onto other peoples' birthday:

• While I am friends with the birthday person, I rarely am friends with (m)any of the other party-goers. Being around people that I don't know but am expected to interact with makes me anxious. 
• There are certain kinds of people that I specifically do not enjoy being around. Both in a general sense and some specific cases.
• Location is an issue for me. I really do not like the BalMar, for example. I find the drinks weak and the service ridiculously slow. I find the dance floor packed and unappealing. I can honestly say that I have not had fun any time that I have entered the doors of that place (and once I was pissed when I didn't even get into the doors, although that was sort of Canberry's fault for not bringing the proper identification). There's also the proximity angle to a location... some places in Seattle are difficult to reach via busline and expensive to reach via cab. And I don't drive if/when I drink.

I have a tough time balancing the facts that (a) I do not enjoy being unhappy, and (b) a birthday party for someone else does not exist to bring happiness to my life.

Maybe I'll figure it out and start going (assuming I keep getting invited). Or maybe I'll just figure out that I'm some combination of lazy/selfish/other and make my peace with that fact that I'm not going to attend birthday parties with any regularity.

In any event, I'm sorry to Shawty for not going last night. And I'm sorry to anyone else who may have invited me only to see me fail to attend. I appreciate the invitations and I appreciate YOU. I just don't appreciate birthday parties.