Woody Allen + Real Life

Part of the my writing ecosystem is this blog. Part of it is emails to friends. Part of it is chats. Part of it is my own ramblings in posts that never get posted.

This is from an email I wrote over a year ago. It is a combination of a few real-life events (not mine; I don't have that problem) and my love for Woody Allen's movie "Bananas".

I re-read it this morning and I still think it's funny, even though it IS a bit 2008...

Woody Allen: I just got an interesting text message.

Louise Lasser: Oh, really?

WA: Yeah. It was from you.

LL: Oh... really ...?

WA: That's all you have to say for yourself? "Oh, really?"

LL: You seem agitated.

WA: Well, I'll admit I am a bit agitated.

LL: Why?

WA: Why? I just intercepted a text from my date to her roommate about me being gay.

LL: I didn't say you were gay. I just said you might not be gay.

WA: Can you understand why I'm agitated.

LL: I suppose, but this isn't really a date.

WA: Not a date? Are you serious? What are we doing right now?

LL: Talking.

WA: No, I mean more generally--but not existentially. (I could see you getting ready to philosophize, which I'm not quite ready for. I haven't even finished my coffee yet.)

LL: Eating dinner?

WA: Right... we're eating dinner. You and me. Man and woman. In a fancy restaurant.

LL: It's not really that fancy. And it doesn't mean we're on a date, you know.

WA: So you're planning on paying for your share tonight? 50/50?

LL: No. For two reasons--

WA: TWO reasons? OK...

LL: First of all, you ate more than I did. And you had more wine. So 50/50 wouldn't be fair--

WA: Wait... you're keeping track of how much I'm drinking?

LL: It was really the most interesting part of the meal. You can really put it away--

WA: That's great. My drinking habits are the best thing I've got going for me...

LL: Well, I wouldn't go that far. You seem to be an active person.

WA: That's good. Active like "fit"?

LL: Hmm... I wouldn't go so far as to say, "fit". Maybe "thin" is a better description. But you seem active like "hyper".

WA: Fantastic. A hyper alcoholic. Perfect. Can you stop complimenting me and get back to why this isn't a date?

LL: Sure. You ate more than I did, and you should pay for me because you asked me out.

WA: On a date, yes! Ah-HA!

LL: No, out to dinner.

WA: This doesn't make any sense... you accepted my invitation in spite of me thinking I was gay. I just don't understand...

LL: You were wearing eyeliner. Your MySpace page reads as pretty gay.

WA: No not the gay thing. I understand that. I don't understand why you'd waste my time. Your time.

LL: You seemed like a fun person.

WA: I seemed fun like I seemed gay, huh? I guess one for two isn't too bad.

LL: Well...

WA: Oh, come on! I'm a fun person!

LL: ...

WA: Are you saying I'm not a fun person?

LL: Yes.

WA: How can you say that? I've got fun oozing out of my nostrils! It's uncontrollable. I'm seeing a specialist next week...

LL: Well, if it makes you feel better you give the impression of being fun.

WA: "The impression"? You... I... what's not fun about me? What changed?

LL: You were more fun when you were gay. Or when I thought you were gay.

WA: Oh! So now that you know I see you as a sexual object, you feel differently. You see your "relationship" threatened.

LL: No.

WA: No what? You know I see you as a sexual object.

LL: Yes.

WA: So you don't feel differently?

LL: No. I mean, I feel differently, but not because you see me as a sexual object.

WA: Is it because you see your relationship with that other guy as being threatened?

LL: By you? Not threatened by you, no.

WA: You should. I've threatened plenty of relationships, sweetheart. My own, mainly, but plenty of others, believe me.