Advice

One thing that I say about once a day, as a joke, is that guys are assholes and women are crazy. I also say it about three times a day in earnest because as a general rule it's pretty true. Women are inconsistent and men are noncommunicative. Women latch on and guys only want one thing.

Assholedness and insanity are, in this case, subjective. Subjective from an individual's perspective but also from a gender's perspective. Guys have built-in biases because of the way we're socialized and biologically put together, and women are the same way. I don't claim to be free of bias nor do I claim to be entirely different than my fellow fellows in how I perceive females.

One thing that I read some time ago and that has (again, generally) proven to be true is the way the two genders communicate issues and problems... how they ask for advice and what they want from such a conversation.

Guys bring up a problem and they want an answer. A solution. Options to deal with the thing that has irritated them enough to have them bring it up.

Girls bring up things to air them out. They don't want a definite plan. They don't want an explanation and/or excuses. They just need to be heard.

Again, those are generalities. Sometimes a guy just wants to vent. Sometimes a chick wants help writing an email or some other specific task. But not usually.

For whatever reason (maybe it's my "safe" demeanor, maybe it's my wit, maybe it's my online omnipresence) I am entrusted with some details of my friends' lives. And details of acquaintainces' lives. Once one is so entrusted, the next logical step is to be asked for advice.

For me, personally, I appreciate that I am deemed trustworthy, and I take the things that I know pretty darn seriously. I also enjoy being posed with problems and issues to help sort through and expound upon... which is odd, given that most of the problems and issues are (as the name implies) problems.

I would love to have someone ask me the best way to spend their lottery winnings. I love it when people have two job offers and ask me which one would be better for them to take. Unfortunately, these situations are much less common than when a female friend doesn't get treated well by a guy who asked for her number or when a friend is stressed out because she just lost her job.

Maybe I can take solace in the fact that I'm helping minimize damage that life is doing... I'm helping a friend get to a place of lesser evil. Anyway, I rarely find it a burden.

It can be stressful, though, especially when it's a guy. Guys more often actually will act on advice I give them, and that puts me in a position where I could be held accountable if the plans blow up.

Chicks ask about more general things, and while the problems seem to be more severe, talking about them is easier for me. Much of the time it's like a grade school reading assignment where a student takes the provided facts and fills in an outline:

1. STATED PROBLEM
   A. Why it's bad
   ...
   B. Why it might be a good thing
2. OPTIONS
3. NEXT STEPS

That sort of thing. I don't mean to minimize the importance of what goes in there, but I think that I can often add value in times of stress just by helping my friend organize her thoughts. I am invariably more distant from the problem, which allows me to be more dispassionate. Plus I'm a robot, so that helps.

When it comes to the substance of the advice I give? I do my best. Given my... limited success at relationships, it's remarkable how often I'm asked for advice on that front. If I were asked about taking a standardized test? Or about a major professional American sporting league? I'd have some subject matter expertise. Unfortunately, most of the time I'm just winging it.

That's why I prefer to give advice to women: they soak up whatever I have to say and they chew on it until it's nearly unrecognizable as my advice. If things go wrong, they rarely blame me, but if things work out? I swoop in and take the credit.

It's a pretty good deal for me.