They Drive Buses AND Entertain Me

I was txting Shawty the other day. And by "the other " I mean "yes". As part of my txt, I fingered in "I no longer have a cat".

Which was accidental. It's true, of course, but I'd intended to txt "I no longer have a car". Stupid consonants.

In any event, I no longer have a car. For the past couple of months, I have been taking the bus to work and to other places around the city. While it has been a drag in some ways (it takes longer to get anywhere, some people smell really bad on the bus, hot women rarely talk to me on the bus...), it has been just fine in others (it's cheaper than gas and insurance, it's nice for going to Belltown after prefunking, hot women rarely talk to me off the bus, anyway...)

It's also provided me some entertainment. While I generally dislike interacting with people unless I'm getting paid for it or the person is an attractive chick, I must admit that bus drivers can be entertaining.

They can entertaining individually, but they are more entertaining when their behaviors are juxtaposed against one another. Some are cheerful, some are dour; some are helpful, some are grouchy.

Yesterday, I rode the bus three times (it would have been four, but I worked late and mooched a ride home from a coworker). My experience with each of the three busdrivers was markedly different and, taken as a whole, entertaining to me.

Ride #1

It was around 8:30 AM. It was a Monday and it was the first of the month. And I knew I was going to have some troubles.

As part of my bus-riding lifestyle, I have invested in monthly bus passes. Or, rather, a single ORCA card that I can recharge for a month. One need not wait until the actual month to charge it (I could pay for several months in advance), but I get the sense that most people wait until the actual month to charge it (I know that I do; I don't want to lay out $90 earlier than I have to... I don't want my vast estate to be reduced in the event I'm hit by a bus). It does, though, take 24-48 hours for the online recharge to actually kick in.

Which is where I knew I was gonna have some troubles.


There I was, Monday morning, with an uncharged ORCA card. I could have brought $2.50 to pay for my fare, but it doesn't seem right that I should have to pay $90 for the whole month and then still have to pay $2.50 merely because of a system delay.

So I didn't bring cash to pay.

What was the worst that could happen? I understand that bus drivers may not actually stop a rider from riding because she refuses to pay (although my understandings in life don't always turn out to be true). So I figured, if I were called on it, I would explain that the money I paid hadn't kicked in yet.

I was still apprehensive, though, as I got onto the bus. I tried to be cool and act like it had happened before when the scanner on the bus beep beep beep'ed at me, indicating my card had no funds associated with it.

I looked up at the driver and said, "Oh, crap. It's the first, isn't it? It looks like the system hasn't caught up yet."

The driver smiled and said, "It's fine. It's a Monday and the first of the month. It'll be happening all day."

OK. Cool. I sat in my favorite seat (passenger's side, two rows back from the handicapped/disabled/crippled (which is the right term?) area) and made it to work without incident.

Ride #2

The second ride of the day was in the early afternoon. I had a meeting about a mile away, and rather than walking it, I took the bus. It was conceivable that my card would have access associated with it, and the first bus driver had been cool about the situation, so I felt more confident using the bus.

Assuming, of course, I could catch it.

I knew that, as long as the route I needed was running on time, I would make it. If it was a bit late, I'd still get to my meeting in plenty of time. But if it was early (or if I were late), I would have to wait for the next bus and I might be punctualitily challenged. Not good.

So I walked briskly from my office and turned the corner... and saw my bus about a block away, rounding another corner to where it would be stopped. So I picked up my pace to a jog and then more of a running situation.

And I made it. Barely... but I made it.

(Unfortunately, the gel inserts that I had in my boots got all out of whack, pushed up towards the front of my shoes. I had to feel them, all askew, for the rest of the day because I am loathe to take my shoes off and rejigger the goods. (That sounds weirder than I'd originally intended, but I'll let it stand.))

I scanned my card and... beep beep beep. No funds associated with the card.

I looked up at the driver and said, "Oh, crap. The system still hasn't caught up yet?!?"

He smiled at me and said, "No problem!"

OK. Cool. I sat in my favorite seat and opened my notebook to ensure that I was in the right frame of mind for the meeting.

But the bus driver wasn't done with me.

You see, I was the only one on the bus, and although I was sitting about five meters away from him, he decided to strike up a conversation. With me.

Him: You're all sweaty!
Me: A little. [I wasn't. I was winded, but not sweaty. I need to run at least two blocks before I am soaked with perspiration. Give me a little credit!]
Him: It's hot out there.
Me: Yeah, warming up, all right.
Him: [Moving the bus away from the curb and towards the next stop.] I like the heat. It (something unintelligible).
Me: What?
Him: [I couldn't really hear him from here on out, so I'm typing my best guesses.] When it gets hot the women wear less.
Me: Yeah. That's good.
Him: They show more skin...
Me: *nod*
Him: And then they walk around, jump on trampolines...

Honestly... I don't know if he said that, but I am pretty sure I heard something about trampolines.

Whatevs. It was disgusting (I think) but entertaining.

Ride #3

My meeting finished, and I had to take the bus back to the office for my next meeting. I was running late, and the bus was running late, and it was sort of warm out still. I was feeling antsy.

That feeling, coupled with the two-for-two on getting approvals from bus drivers, added to the possibility that my payment had finally showed up on my ORCA card, gave me a sense of confidence about being OK if my card gave me the beep beep beep again.

As with my understandings, my senses of confidence are sometimes at odds with reality.

I got onto the nearly-full bus, and swiped my card and ... beep beep beep.


I looked up at the driver and said, "What the--!?! The system still hasn't caught up yet!?!"

He frowned and said, "It says your card has no funds associated with it."

I looked confused and said, "Well, I paid for August. It should have registered by now."

He frowned and said, "It says your card has no funds associated with it."

I shrugged and said, "Well, I don't have any money on me."

He frowned and said, "It says your card has no funds associated with it."

I shrugged and started to turn.

He frowned and said, "It says your card has no funds associated with it."

I said, "I'm sorry." And walked to a seat on the bus (my favorite spot had been taken by someone else, alas).

I heard him, presumably as he continued to frown, say, "That's OK. Taxpayers will pick up the tab for your ride, I guess."

So saucy! So entertaining!

I think I might need to get a car.