Potter

You know how things kind of snowball? Like, you do a little meth and then all of a sudden your teeth are falling out as you pose for a mug shot?

Well, I had something that snowballed. It started off little and then, by the end, it had taken on a life of its own.

First, though, know that I had never lived by myself until just over five years ago. I lived with my parents, and then roomies in college, then my parents again for a year, and then My Ex for the better part of a decade. It was only in early 2006 that I came home to an empty residence.

Well, almost empty.

I have, as you may know, three cats. I never intended to have three cats--especially not in a one bedroom apartment--but it just happened.

That's not the snowballing part, though.

When I was a kid, my parents would leave the house and we would leave music on. Why? I was told it was because the dog enjoyed it. I never really accepted that answer, and while I never fully understood it, I understand now that it was just a habit.

I had my own habit related to my pets, and it snowballed.

Houdini is my oldest cat. He's almost 13, a gray and white short hair. Truman is the middle, and he's 12 and orange and idiosyncratic. Potter was the youngest. He was black and fluffy and the friendliest of the kitties to anyone who came over and visited.

I had Potter put to sleep about an hour ago. But more on that in a moment.

Because I lived alone, except for my cats, I took to talking to them occasionally. Not full conversations, of course, but something above and beyond "Here, kitty, kitty!" and "Stop pooping on the carpet!". When I left for work (or karaoke, or to volunteer at one of the innumerable places that I so often do) I felt like I had to say SOMETHING. An apology for leaving them alone? An explanation for why I was gone so often?

I settled on something odd. Simple, but odd.

"Houdini, you're in charge."

I didn't say it every time I left, but most mornings I did. While there was never any specifics given for the responsibilities involved with being "in charge", Houdini was the natural fit for the job: Truman is too slow (mentally and physically) and Potter was too flighty.

Potter was the baby. He was only two years younger than Houdini, but for some reason he always struck me as markedly smaller and markedly less mature. Innocent, even.

(Anthropomorphism run amok!)

"Houdini, you're in charge" snowballed in my head into discussions and explanations of why Houdini was perpetually left as the feline overlord. I would occasionally argue against imaginary charges by Truman and Potter of discrimination.

Actually, it was only ever Potter. I guess even an imaginary Truman was too laid-back to have any ambition. Mr. Potts, though? My imaginary Potter wanted to be treated like a grown-up. He wanted responsibility.

I bargained with this imaginary Potter, telling him he was getting closer to earning the spot, and that it would be his some day.

Well, I was wrong.

It's Monday night and about 72 hours ago Potter started getting lethargic. He normally wandered all over the apartment, following me and checking out what I was doing. Jumping on the couch, then on my lap, then lying on the floor by the door. And then repeating the cycle.

He slowed Friday night and Saturday and by yesterday he was simply lying in one part of the apartment and then moving to lie somewhere else. He had his routines... but they were all out the window. There was something definitely wrong. He jumped, painfully for him it seemed to me, onto my lap last night as I was using my computer. He'd spent hours at a time there, and part of me worried that it would be the last time.

This evening I took him to the ER and it turns out he had a blockage and kidney issues and heart arrhythmia. It was going to cost thousands of dollars to fix him up in the short run, with absolutely no guarantees it wouldn't happen again.

I cried and I told the vet (who was crying herself; I have no idea how she could care so much about a cat that she had met minutes before) that I had to let him go.

I had Potter put to sleep about an hour ago. He was a great cat and I'm hopeful that he had a good life. I will miss him.