My Journey Into Crazyville

It's not a huge secret that I don't like Apple. I don't care for their software. I don't dig their hardware. And I really don't like their attitudes (both the smugness that permeates its marketing and so many of its users as well as the lack of openness in its standards).

With that being said, I have had to get used to using a Mac because it's what I've been using at work for almost a year and a half now. I still don't have the hot keys down, it still bugs me that there are two "Delete" keys that do different things, and there are innumerable other irritants... but I am getting used to it.

I've eschewed iPhones for a variety of reasons, and I'm delighted with my Android-powered Nexus One.

When the iPad came out, I understood the impact it might have... but I didn't see any time or place I would use it. I am planted in front of my desktop for many of my waking hours at home, and I have my Nexus One the rest of the time. An iPad might work for other people, but not for me.

So when, in an incredibly generous act on the part of my employer, I was given an iPad as part of my holiday bonus, I was sort of uncertain what to do. I was told that I could take it back for cash, but I felt a bit bad. I'm the tech guy in our company, and it seems I should have the latest/greatest gadget.

After some mulling, I decided I'd rather have the money. Whether it will go towards a new TV or a new car or a trip to foreign lands is TBD, but in spite of revisiting the "how would I use it?" question, I couldn't find a satisfactory answer, and I bet if I'd opened it then it would have ended up under some random paperwork on my coffee table, just begging for a cat to jump up and take a nap on it.

Since I had received the actual box with the iPad in it, it was necessary for me to go to the actual Apple store to return it. I took a (slightly) extended lunch this past week and headed out to the University Village Apple store.

I'd been there a couple of times before, but this was a bit of a post-Christmas madhouse. Several things struck me as exceedingly odd--or at least inconsistent with what I find valuable.

First of all was the very notion that I had to go to a store. When I got my Nexus One, I ordered it online. It was shipped promptly and I got exactly what I expected--I even was credited $100 a few weeks later when the price dropped. Going to a store to buy something or return something feels a bit antiquated to me.

Secondly, there were a shit-ton of employees. They were all wearing bright red shirts and carrying little PDA-type devices (iPhones? Maybe. Not iPads, though) and there were a lot of them. I didn't count, but I'd estimate 30.

It was good, I guess, since it was busy. If people go into the store expecting to jibber-jabber, then I suppose it's better to not have to wait too long to do so. Personally? As a general rule, the less I need to talk to anyone in life, the better.

Thirdly--and I'd noticed this before--there's just so much elbow room in that place. Each laptop and phone and iPad and piece of hardware was treated like a piece of art. I can't confirm they each have a laser-protected security system when the store closes, but it looks like they've got the infrastructure for it.

Having that much space feels inefficient. When I go to a museum or a gallery, having that much space makes sense. I'm visiting (or, at least on paper, potentially purchasing) art. Giving each piece room to breathe and having a bit of visual palette-cleansing space makes sense.

When I use a computer? I don't need art. I need efficiency.

And that's what all of these things add up to me: fluff. Expensive fluff.

Assuming the software and hardware costs of Apple vs. competitors' products are equal, then I don't see how I can't be paying for fluff. Paying for elbow room in a store I don't want to visit more than absolutely necessary. Paying for in-person support that I don't want to take advantage of (that's what the Web is for, dammit!).

I don't consider myself a fanboy of Google (or Microsoft, for that matter) but I did get some pleasure using my Nexus One as they were trying to figure out how to get me my money.

For the record: the staff members who assisted me were pretty helpful--after I pushed a bit. They offered me in-store credit, which I almost laughed at, and eventually converted the iPad to a gift card, which they could then cash out. The check should be here in 4-6 weeks.

I'm still grateful at my bosses for getting me the iPad, and I'm delighted for all the people who enjoy the Apple experience enough to pay for the fluff. For my part, though, I'm going to plug away with my PowerBook (or whatever markety-marketing name my laptop has) at work and I'm otherwise going to avoid Apple products... which will maybe put me at a return visit to the Apple store in 2018 or so.

Which is fine by me.