Actually, it's less mindless than it should be because when I dance I make every effort to not touch anyone. I like my bubble, and I assume, short of quite explicit indications otherwise, that others like theirs, too. So I end up apologizing a lot for bumping people. I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help myself.
You know how you should leave two car lengths on the road in order to allow proper stopping distance? (Or something like that...) And you know how sometimes someone fills in that gap by darting in front of you, spoiling your good, safe driving?
That happens to me on the dance floor. I give a couple of body widths between myself and dancing women, and more often than not some dude jumps in front of me to grind on the girl. Making it awkward because he leaves me in a position of trying to back up or being RIGHT up against his butt.
Anyway.
In spite of various frustrations, I honestly try to be a considerate dance floor participant. Maybe I do it because I'm polite or maybe I do it to atone for my utter lack of skill.
In any case, my good nature did not help last night in a bit of a frenzied environment.
It started off normally. It was about 11:30 and the dancefloor was reasonably busy. Not terrifically so, but not much room to maneuver outside of one's bubble. I was flopping around in time to the music when I saw a guy dancing near me go flying about five feet forward. It was out of the ordinary, so I looked to see who had pushed him.
Two women were giggling and looking guilty and I locked eyes with one and said, "Wow. Really? Haha." She laughed and we talked for about 10 seconds when I (BOOM) felt an odd sensation in my groin region.
This sensation was not due to the stimulating conversation, it was due to a third woman thrusting her butt into my crotch.
BOOM
The assault repeated itself and it was clear that it was not a sexy dance move. It was not joking. She was trying to move me and trying to cause pain. And was succeeding, at least, in the latter.
Wincing from the testicular assault, I engaged her in conversation and we had this brief chat:
Me: Why? What's going on?BOOM
Her: That's my sister and my cousin.
Me: Your mom is your aunt?
Her: They're not interested in you.
Me: Uh, OK. (Looking towards the first two women, who were giggling about 4 feet away) Was I being disr--
There comes a time when one's patience is stretched too thin. I learned last night that my personal patience is stretched too thin at an accelerated pace when my nads are being mistreated.
So... after getting hit in the balls for a third time, I put my hands on her waist and I grabbed her and... pushed.
I'm not the strongest guy in the world, and I'm not proud that I would have to push anyone (let alone a chick) but I was sick of being crushed, so I pushed.
And she went flying.
Not, like, against the wall. Not to the ground. Just... away. Away from me and away from my family jewels.
Of course, while it might have helped preserve my chances for fathering children some day, it did not go over well with the pushee. The woman came storming back, screaming and flipping out. And she was joined by a fourth woman, who was significantly bigger and decided to stick up for her friend.
As these two angry women were converging on me, I stuck my hands in the air to indicate I had no interest in fighting or otherwise interacting with them.
The pushee just yelled, but the big girl took my defenselessness as an opportunity to put me in a death grip.
Well, given that I am typing this and given that I would be totally ignorant as to how to escape any kind of death grip, I suppose it wasn't an actual, bona fide death grip. But it WAS her grabbing my throat with her right hand.
So there I was, standing on a crowded dance floor with my hands up in the air with one woman screaming at me and another on with her hand on my windpipe.
My life is awesome.
4 comments:
SO what happened? DId security get involved? How did it end? Did anyone get kicked out? Were these women bigger than you? Because I am imagining some giganto women.
The choker was pretty large. Not taller than me, although she might have had me by a few lbs.
As I stood there, a guy I didn't know sort of interceded. He asked what was going on (reasonable) and then talked to the girls (reasonable) and then told me that I should leave (unreasonable).
He ended up dancing with the pushee for much of the rest of the night, so at least SOMEONE got some benefit from my situation.
I've "danced with" that sort of aggressive A-hole before. They think that you're really interested in them even when you're not. Then they get all uppity and "reject" you when you never wanted anything to do with them in the first place - a whole little drama played out in their own empty heads. So annoying.
That is what she gets for not listening
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