The ABCs of My Australian Trip

I haven't traveled that much in my life. Like most Americans, I am content to visit the different parts of my own country, rather than going to lands where people don't speak our language and don't appreciate the good things that the USA has done. Personally, I've gone to Canada several times, and visited Mexico thrice... other than Hawaii, that was about it as far as vacations went outside of the continental US.

Due to a confluence of events (the cessation of my funemployment, my friendship with Canberry, and increased solar flare activity) I decided to make a trip to Australia for a week and a half or so at the end of March/beginning of April. I anticipate having another blog or two, but I wanted to give an overview of my trip using the alphabet.

Here we go. (One of these entries is TOTALLY a fabrication. I'll leave it up to you to figure out which one. Most of them contain at least one fabrication, of course.)

A is for Australia.

Founded in 1732, this island the size of Tennessee is home to some 20 million people with slight speech impediments. (Citation needed.)

B is for Bogan.

In the US, we have rednecks. In Australia they have bogans. This is a relatively new term for a way of acting, dressing, and speaking in Australia... often associated with lesser education and lower class and non-urban. Unlike redneck (or, perhaps, like "redneck" outside of non-redneck circles), to be "bogan" (either as a person or an description for a specific attribute or act) isn't really looked down on.

Canberry pointed out bogan to me about fifty times: could I tell by the accent? Could I tell by the clothes? Could I tell by the circumcision? I will tell you that it was a difficult task, but I have a better sense now than before visiting.

C is for Canberra.

Canberra is the capital of Australia and a nice little city. I didn't get a chance to go inside any of the landmarks, but I got a chance to see many from the outside and I was able to check out some of its restaurants and night life... good times. The population seems young and, as I understand it, is well-educated and relatively affluent. Good stuff.

D is for Darling Harbour.

Sydney has a lot of cool places and buildings in it. We stayed in the Kings Cross neighborhood of Sydney, although we didn't partake in any of the infamous late-night opportunities. We also walked to/through some other neighborhoods, and Darling Harbour was one of my favorites. Very walkable urban environment with shops and restaurants and water taxis. I am still a bit confused by who actually USES water taxis, but it's good to know they're there, I suppose.

E is for Ed from Australia.

I went to a birthday party on one of the Friday nights I was in Canberra, and I met Ed. Ed from Australia, as he will be known, to differentiate him from me... because I don't want to confuse you.

Ed from Australia was a big, muscular guy. Short brown hair and a tattooed right arm. Married to a lovely young woman who was wearing a great dress. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy who I am pleased that I met and who I hope, if he ever reads this will not want to pound my face into a jelly (either the Australian or American definition of the word). He was drinking, and I do some weird/funny-weird/odd things when I'm drinking.

Just not as odd as Ed from Australia does.

The first thing I saw him do after meeting him was pull down his pants and fart into the bonfire. He dropped two n-bombs (in a hip hop way, as opposed to an overtly racist way). He ended up in a friendly wrestling match with the host of the party at the end of the night until the host conceded and staggered, bloodily, to bed.

Ed from Australia seems like a nice guy. I don't know what percentage of his actions was based on Jager and what was based on his nationality, but he struck me as one of the most memorable characters from my trip.

F is for Food.

The food I had was markedly similar to American food. Sandwiches (or "sangas" or (non-racist) "sambos") were expensive and tended to be focaccia, but tasty. Italian food was everywhere, and I had a delicious steak sandwich in a French cafe.

I was surprised at the relative dearth of Chinese restaurants. They were around, but the searching I did seemed to indicate more Mexican places... surprising given the relative proximity of the two countries.

Breakfasts in a variety of locations seemed to revolve around the "Big Breakfast" or "Big Brekkie": bacon (which was a different cut, or something, than American bacon, although I'm not an expert or even a particular fan of bacon, so I dunno specifics) and eggs and potato... with mushrooms and other stuff. I prefer an omelette, but it was fun to try something "foreign" that seemed to familiar.

I didn't eat much fast food on my trip, but McDonald's ("Maccas") was everywhere. Hungry Jack's (sort of a spinoff/brother of Burger King) was pretty common, too. Subway (without the $5 footlong, alas) was ubiquitous. Beyond those three places, though, I didn't see a lot of fast food-type places. Maybe I just didn't recognize them.

Starbucks was a bit less common--they diminished their presence significantly a couple of years ago--but it was nice to see them. Sort of a part of home... of course, I didn't go into any of the Starbucks (just as I rarely go in any here).

G is for G'day.

G'day. How are you going? Good on you. Oy. Take-away food. "Give Way" signs instead of "Yield". "This Way Out" signs instead of (actually, in addition to) "Exit" signs in buildings.

The language is peculiar, even setting aside the accent.

I joked a bit on my trip about how I didn't have an accent (while of course I do have an American accent). When challenged, I pointed out that I talk like people talk on television in the US, and most of the television in Australia seemed to be American programming. Actually, given how often I saw TV shows like The Simpsons on Australian television, I'm surprised that Aussies don't all have Springfield accents.

H is for Holidays.

A four day weekend for Easter? Are you kidding me?

Yes, Aussies no longer get Melbourne Cup Day off as a public holiday, but they still seem to get about one day a week off for some reason or another. It must be nice.

I actually considered writing a couple of pretty under-informed paragraphs on the theological-cultural differences between America (Puritan-influenced) and Australia (Anglican- and Catholic-influenced)... but I'll save that for another time/never blog about it ever.

I is for In-Flight Movies.

I flew on United, and United's planes have built-in screens throughout the cabins. The headphones are free and the movies are free... but the movies were sort of crappy.

When I watch movies, I prefer comedies. Or action. Or mysteries. Or horror.

Basically, anything other than ol' fashioned dramas.

Unfortunately, I am not in charge of movie programming for United international flights. The only movies I saw on the plane were dramas. Everybody's Fine (boring, depressing) and Whip It (boring, terrible Jimmy Fallon acting) on the outbound flight and Crazy Heart (boring, depressing) and Up in the Air (REALLY depressing).

Watching Crazy Heart and Up in the Air back-to-back was, as a 30-something single man, so fucking depressing that I was unable to sleep (much... I can ALWAYS sleep some).

In fact, the only thing that cheered me up was the mid-flight musings about a movie starring George Clooney as a basketball coach who is looking at an African basketball recruit while Kevin Bacon struggles in his new role as a person who flies around the country firing people: Up in the Air Up There.

J is for Jagermeister.

The first two nights I was in Australia involved a pair of evenings out. We drank a bit of alcohol, but for a variety of reasons were done by midnight. I had heard about the Aussie propensity for drinking to excess, but I didn't experience it.

Until a week later, when I experienced hard cider, Ed from Australia, sangria, beer, Jagermeister, and vodka (roughly in that order). Actually, Ed from Australia did not contribute, directly, to the level of intoxication I experienced (although he was responsible for putting the Jager in the beer during our game of Aussie Rules Beer Pong (I made that up; I think it was just an on-the-fly version of the frat-boy classic)).

The next day I experienced only my second hangover ever. Crikey.

K is for Kangaroos.

I saw signs for them but no signs of them. I ate none of their lean, tender meat. Very sad.

Maybe next time.

L is for Law Ball.

First night I got there involved me attending a semi-formal event with Canberry. It involved dinner and some wine and some dancing (at the end of the night) ... and the most boring speech I've ever sat through.

The speech was so boring and so terrible that I won't speak of it. And, remember, I wrote about a guy farting into a bonfire in this blog entry, so I'm usually not shy about writing about things.

M is for Melbourne.

I spent about 24 hours in Melbourne. Met Bad Cop II for the first time and saw Jeff Green perform at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. He was funny, and was joking about being an outsider (Brit) living in Australia, so I could relate at some level... even as I didn't get about two thirds of the cultural references.

Melbourne is a city of about four million people. In the 24 hours I was there, I would have had to meet about 46 people a second to get to meet everyone. I didn't quite get there.

I did, though, get to see some cool architecture and walk around the city... and I look forward to getting back there again someday.

N is for Nexus One.

In December, I purchased a new camera. A Nikon D40, it is an entry-level DSLR and I bought it partly in response to Canberry's visit of Seattle where neither of us had a camera capable of taking a decent picture of the Space Needle at night.

In January, I purchased a Nexus One (the "Google phone"), which has a camera built in. Because I have my phone with me everywhere, I've used the Nexus One to take many more pics than I have my D40... but I was anticipating that changing for my trip down under. I brought my phone to take pictures in bars and things but I was anticipating my D40 would be doing the heavy lifting when I went to Melbourne and Sydney.

It worked for about four days... and then, right before we departed Melbourne for Sydney, my D40 crapped out. I turned it off and it wouldn't (won't) turn back on. I did some troubleshooting and think I know the problem, but I can't fix it and am in communication with the seller to get it fixed.

But my Nexus One came through. In spite of its limitations, I was able to capture some decent shots of the rest of my trip. And my love for Google ever deepens...

O is for Outback.

I did not see the outback. I did not visit an Outback Steakhouse (of which there are five in Australia).

Maybe next time.

P is for Prices.

Expensive. $11 sandwiches. $18 toothbrushes. $75 hookers.

OK... so I'm fudging a bit. The prices are inclusive of tax and, as a general matter, tips. It threw me off that an $11 sandwich is actually $11. It's not $11 plus 10% tax plus 20% tip... it was basically equal to an $8.33 sandwich with 10% tax and 20% tip. Throw in the slightly stronger US dollar and a sandwich costing 11 Australian dollars is more like $8 US.

I feel less bad about the cost of that prostitute now.

Q is for Quantas.

I flew from Sydney to Canberra and back on Quantas. Pretty bare-bones, which is the way I like my airlines and my toast, and its logo provided me with another mocking glimpse of the alleged kangaroo of Australia.

R is for Restroom.

Americans don't directly reference many bodily functions in polite company. We don't talk about hacking up phlegm or weeping sores on our scalps. We also have a million euphemisms for urination and defecation. We dance around it to the extent that we have polite names for the room where we take care of our business... a bathroom or a restroom or a lavatory.

Australians? They talk more directly... they go to the toilet. They label their restrooms as the "Toilet". I have no problem, personally, with the word. I understand what it means and I can use it in a sentence. I am, though, a product of my environment and calling something a "Disabled Person's Toilet" is just about the same as naming it a "Crippled's Crapper".

S is for Sand.

As part of our voyages around Sydney, Canberry and I went to Bondi Beach, which is a world-famous beach (although, as a typical American, I had never heard of it). The sun made an appearance and the beach and water looked great.

I was, naturally, wearing dress shoes, gray jeans, and a black t-shirt... I was going to take the bus back to Canberra later in the day, so I didn't want to walk on the beach and risk getting sand in my shoes. So I admired the sand from afar.

T is for Transit (Mass).

Australia had some MUCH-used trains in Sydney. I've never been to New York City (other than the airport) but I can't imagine the subway has a higher occupancy rate. The trains were double-deckers and every seat seemed to be full during rush hour, with people standing up in the non-seat areas. It was an impressive display of what mass transit is capable of.

I took the light rail in Seattle to and from the airport, and it was a great experience. It was cheap ($2.50 for a one-way) and it was clean and it was fast. It was also, sadly, pretty empty. I don't think I saw more than 20 people on the train with me either way. It's a relatively new service, and it's an expensive investment for the city, but I hope it catches on like the train in Sydney has.

U is for Uni.

We go to college in the US, even if we go to college at a university.

Australians sometimes go to college, but at a college. Unless it's a high school. They go to uni at a university.

College, I was told, is years 11 and 12 in Australia, but it's not always called a college, since it's up to the states to handle education.

At least I think that's right. It's confusing.

V is for Vegemite.

"The worst thing I've ever eaten" is how my brother described his experience with the yeast-based Australian food staple, Vegemite. I had never tried it before, and I had expected the worst.

I was pleasantly surprised. It was salty but tasted pretty good.

Maybe my brother had slathered too much Vegemite onto whatever he was eating (which, I was told, is a big mistake). Or maybe he's just got messed-up taste buds.

W is for Weather.

When I started this blog (the evening of my return to Seattle), I was going to be sort of negative about the weather I experienced in Australia. It was gorgeous in Canberra the whole time I was there, but of the four days I spent elsewhere, it was only sunny the last day in Sydney. Disappointing? Sure.

But now I'm back in Seattle. It's not sunny here. And it's cold.

I miss the Australian weather already.

X is for Xenophilia.

Xenophilia is the love of foreign things. I have a definite streak of that myself (see: foreign accents on women) and I think that I experienced it in Australia.

While I have spent over a month in Mexico in my life, I rarely felt all that special there (they frown upon the practice of proudly spouting off one's standardized test percentiles). In Australia? I got the sense that people were interested.

Interested in my (alleged) accent. In my country. In Seattle.

Sitting in companionable silence is something I'm comfortable with--much more than most people, I think. I generally find mindless chit-chat that interrupts that silence as a response to the other person's discomfort (either with me being silent towards them or silence in general).

But the chitchat on this trip? I felt like people actually were interested. They wanted to know if Americans were as naive or bad or cool or whatever as they thought. They wanted to know about my travel experiences and how jet lagged I was and when I was moving to Australia and what I thought of Melbourne vs. Sydney. What I thought about League vs. Rugby. What I thought about Easter and Maccas and Jagermeister and so many other things.

And I got the impression that this chitchat was legit.

Y is for Yar's Revenge.

This Atari classic has nothing to do with Australia, as far as I know. But it's an Atari classic that I haven't blogged about before. So it gets a spot here.

Z is for Zero.

I have zero regrets that I went to Australia.

I generally hate the term "zero regrets" or "no regrets", especially when someone says they have no regrets in life... I find that unbelievable. We've all made mistakes and I think that it's OK to regret those mistakes, whether they were missed opportunities or errors of action (rather than inaction). No one's perfect, right?