Whoops! (0-3)

I'm not the most charismatic person on the planet. I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth, and while I'd like to attribute that to my off-beat sense of humor or disdain for patriarchal societal norms, the fact of the matter is even accounting for those considerations, I sometimes say the wrong things without really thinking about it.

Tonight, though? Wow. It's rare that I say three straight things that are so poorly received.

It started after closing time at Ozzies. I had lingered to finish some free alcohol provided to me by Lawyer Lady, and I wanted to talk to her a bit before she bolted. That meant that my crew (TM 2000, Flowers, Thor, and JY) had bolted by the time I exited the establishment, and rather than go home straightaway I lingered outside.

Lingering outside a bar after closing is often entertaining. Seeing dudes get shot down and/or chicks stumble into cabs with their friends is funny, and listening to conversations can be interesting. I txted with a couple friends in other locations as I took the entire scene in.

One of the final groups of people were three chicks. Two of them were relatively cute, and there was one lingering guy and a male interloper. The lingerer lured the third chick into a cab and they sped away, leaving the two women to fend off the other guy.

One of them complained that she had lost money in the bar. The guy asked what she was talking about, and she stated that she had lost a Sephora gift card. She was pretty choked up about it. I felt bad for her, but didn't think much of it.

I started to wander home... slightly impaired because of the free beer that Lawyer Lady had provided as well as the free shot of Patron that had appeared within gulping distance of me. I txted TM 2000 to see where people were at, and they were at Dick's, so I changed course and made my way there.

A couple of blocks later, I was entering the parking lot when I saw a tall guy get out of his car. I knew this guy. I didn't know his name, but I had a conversation with him right before Thanksgiving. He almost got into a fight outside of Dick's because some random jackass was going after him, and we'd had a chat at the Rainbow Park (or whatever it's called) a few blocks away about how he was a MMA instructor and had been in like 11 fights.

As I recognized the guy, this is how the conversation went:

Me: Hey! Don't get in a fight!
MMA guy: What?
Me (continuing to walk towards Dick's, because I really had to urinate): Don't get into a fight outside of Dick's. Remember last time?
MMAG: Yeah, I remember. Why?
Me (feeling a bit odd that he didn't recognize me, but continuing to walk): We talked about it afterwards.
MMAG: ...
Me (seeing him get confused and thinking about how he could pound me into a red mist): And we talked about the near-fight and how you are a MMA instructor afterwards? At the Rainbow Park?
MMAG: So what you're saying is that you want to fight me?
Me (entering the restaurant): No ...

*gulp*

He was so nice the previous time I'd talked to him. I blame the mustache and my superior memory.

After I entered the place, I turned a hard left to go to the little boys' room. I heard someone call my name, so I reversed course back away from the restrooms and TM 2000 was there, with a very short chick I didn't recognize. He had two burgers in his hand, and I (trying to be funny) initiated this conversation:

Me (in a mock stern tone of voice): Is there a problem here?
Short Chick: What?
Me (to TM 2000): Are you OK?
SC: What?
Me (to SC): Are you stealing his food, miss?
SC (pissed off beyond all reason): No.
Me (shrinking back from the irrational hatred): Oh. OK. I was kidding.

I am used to making people uncomfortable. Or confusing them a bit. But two people in a row were totally not picking up what I was laying down. It was weird.

We rolled from Dick's six deep. We picked up Sir Thick and were walking back towards Flowers' and my apartments. As we turned left on Mercer, four of the guys kinda drunkenly hooted at three women walking our way.

I recognized two of them, and I thought it would be fun to be friendly and play a joke.

The three women took a wide path around the six of us, and while we (as a group; I certainly did not) had made the initial inappropriate catcalls, we were being respectful as they passed about 20 feet to our left in the Kid Valley parking lot.

And then I opened my mouth.

"Hey," I said, "I [mumble mumble] Sephora Gift Card."

That did it. One of the chicks totally took a right turn to her left and made a bee-line towards me. I actually had expected some reaction, but what I got was too much. She approached me and the following conversation commenced.

Chick (advancing on me): What did you say?
Me: Uh, what?
Chick: You mentioned the Sephora card.
Me: Yeah, but...
Sir Thick (taking a few steps towards the Chick): Don't listen to him.
Chick (confused, as Sir Thick and I talked at the same time): What?
Me: I just mentioned it as a joke.
Sir Thick: He's crazy. He says stuff that doesn't make sense. Don't listen.
Chick (backing up from the advancing Sir Thick): But he mentioned Sephora!
Me: Yes, I did. I heard you mention it outside of Ozzie's.
Sir Thick (talking at the same time as me): Don't worry. He's harmless. He's full of shit. He doesn't know what he's saying.
Chick (looking right at me, with tears in her eyes): Why would you say that?
Me (Sir Thick fell silent): I, uh. I thought it'd be funny. You're cute and I wanted to get your attention.
Chick 2 (about 15 feet away): Punch him in the mustache!
Chick (tears in her eyes): ...
Me: Uh. I'm sorry.
Chick 2: Kick him right in his beautiful mustache!
Me (to Chick 2): You think it's beautiful?

The first chick retreated, confused. I walked back to the group of guys, feeling both amused that I was able to trigger such a big reaction with such a random comment (entertaining my guys in a seemingly magical way) but also a bit bad that I messed with someone's emotions and she was totally unhelped by my comments.

It was an odd 15 minutes. I blame the Patron.