1:22 AM

On April 28, 2006, I left my Capitol Hill apartment. I had no idea where I was going, but I knew that I had to stop playing WoW and I had to meet new people. I had few friends in Seattle. I was alone. I needed to change things, even if it was uncomfortable, even if I had no idea what I was doing, and even if I had no idea what I wanted to change to.

After that April night, I made a similar walk a couple dozen times over a three or four month period... I would walk down Pine from Capitol Hill, through Belltown and end up in Lower Queen Anne.

After a while I started driving. After a while I knew people. I eventually moved to LQA and I have what I think are the beginning of friendships.

I’m not currently sober. I’ve been drinking for much of the last seven hours. Blogging while unsober is stupid, and I know that even in my alcohol-addled brain. But fuck it.

Tonight I made the Capitol Hill to LQA trek. I had a nice evening and spent quality time with friends. I decided to walk back, and in the hour that it took me I started to think.

I started to think about trust. I am a pretty naive person, and I’m willing to share the idiosyncracies of my life with people that I consider my friends... today (yesterday) my faith in people was seriously shaken. I learned that at least one person who I considered my friend was telling others their opinions of my feelings on other people.

Listen, I talk shit about people sometimes. I try not to, but I also try not to have many secrets, and sometimes my secrets being unhidden expose other people. The insight that I learned today/yesterday, though, is that some people are incapable of understanding what is truly personal and private. As a result I am resolved to be much more reserved with at least my current batch of friends.

I started to think about love. At my wedding, my brother/best man gave a speech where he stated that many in the family had doubts as to my capacity to love. I know he might have been kidding, but even as I sat at the table of honor next to my future ex-bride, I knew he might have been right. I’m not sure I’m capable of loving anyone outside of my family. I hope I can. I’m just not sure.

I started to think about significance. One of the most depressing moments of my life was when I told a female friend (for whom I had more-than-friendly feelings) that nothing we did mattered. She became a bit upset, and she stated that the things I’d done for her mattered, and that the friendship she felt for me mattered. I was sad that I didn’t really buy it at the time. Some months later she decided to date someone else and I couldn’t let go of how I felt about her. We dont’ talk now. And, as much as it pains me to admit, it probable doesn’t matter.

I started thinking about the future. Given that trust, friendship and significance are all less real than I had thought they were two years ago... does it matter?

It took me about an hour to walk home. I thought of all these things and more. I only skimmed the depths of my thoughts in this blog. I know I’m drunk. Is it less reflective of my feelings? I’m not sure any of it matters anyway. I still have to show up for work. I still have to go to class. I still have to live, cross my fingers, and hope for the best.