Come and knock on my door...

Who doesn't love Three's Company? Really. If you can't appreciate the show, you can at least savor the contribution it's made to popular culture. I'm not talking about DeWitt's haircut (which is actually starting to look suspiciously close to my hair style currently).

What I speak of is the cataclysmic misunderstanding. One misinterpreted word, or one unseen gesture, or one malapropism from Suzanne Somers is enough to launch Mr. and Mrs. Roper into a 22 minute tizzy, or Don Knotts into innumerable eye-bulging conversations with Tripper about this and/or that.

I joke a lot about this sort of misunderstanding... but I've rarely experienced it. Until recently. Allow me to present the same conversation from two angles. One is from mine, and one is from Morpheus.

Background: Morpheus and I were hanging out in Lower Queen Anne at the end of the night. It was about 2 AM. I was totally sober because of the odd (if not unpleasant) night I'd had. Morpheus was not sober, and neither was Dundee, a buddy whose girlfriend is a friend of mine. Dundee happened to be staggering down the sidewalk, working his way towards his gf's place, when this occurred. Note the difference between how I saw it and how Morpheus (and probably Dundee) saw it.

Dundee: I know these faces!
Me: What up, man?
Morpheus: Hey!
Dundee: Where were you guys tonight? I actually sang a song and I was looking for you...
Me: What did you sing?
Dundee: Some INXS.
Me: Nice.
Dundee: So where were you guys?
Me: I was on a date.
Dundee: Ah... how did it go?
Me: Pretty well *shrug* It was fun.
Dundee: (giving us each a manly shoulder squeeze) I hope you guys had fun tonight. I'll catch you later.
Morpheus: Bye.
Me: Later!

OK. So that seemed routine, right? Nothing untoward?

Immediately... immediately Morpheus politely asked me not to look at him when telling people I was on a date. Hah! Here's how HE might have heard the conversation:

Dundee: I know these faces!
Me: What up, man?
Morpheus: Hay-ay!
Dundee: Where were you guys tonight? I actually sang a song and I was looking for you...
Me: What did you sing?
Dundee: Some INXS.
Me: Nice.
Dundee: So where were you guys?
Me: (looking at Morpheus) On a date.
Dundee: Ah ("these guys are gay? Woah")... how did it go?
Morpheus: (Why the fuck was Ed O looking at me and implying we went on a date? Do I say something to correct the record?)
Me: Pretty well *shrug* It was fun.
Dundee: (giving us each a manly shoulder squeeze) I hope you guys had fun tonight ("I can't wait to tell the folks back home that I met a couple real-life gays here in the States!"). I'll catch you later.
Morpheus: Bye.
Me: Later!

Maybe Morpheus was projecting. Or maybe Dundee already thought we were gay. I love Dundee (in a platonic, isn't-his-accent-making-me-so-jealous, kind of way) and hope that, should he think Morpheus and I are together, at least he thinks we're a cute couple.

Stuff Ed O. Likes (Part IV)

Continuing examination of the Stuff White People Like blog vis a vis me. Scoring remains the same (0, .33, .66, 1 with 0 being not at all and 1 being a direct hit).

Score coming into Round Four (of four): 23.33 of 57 (40.9%)

58. Japan (.66). With so many of these items, I start off strongly opinionated when I'm judging how they apply to me. "I'm not obsessed with Japan!", I told myself initially. Then I remember that I studied Japanese for two years. I like sushi. I like (hot) Japanese chicks (see 11). I have read books about Pearl Harbor and the "Coming War with Japan" and a book about Ka being the secret to Japanese power... or something. OK. Even thought I haven't visited Tokyo (see 19) and I'm not into anime... I give myself partial credit here.
59. Natural Medicine (0). While I gave myself the benefit of the doubt, above, I refuse to give partial credit for getting acupuncture for my dog (see 53) or weekly gold injections for my cat (really!). I don't discount natural medicine entirely, but... almost entirely.
60. Toyota Prius (0). I used to dream of owning an electric car. It would be quiet and clean and efficient. Then I turned 16.
61. Bicycles (0). I used to ride my bike every day. It felt great to get fresh air and stretch my legs. Then I turned 11.
62. Knowing what's best for poor people (0). This is a tricky one. Any action we take, any opinion we hold, could be seen as knowing what's best for poor people. When I declined to give a panhandler the "couple of bucks" that he requested last night (he almost earned the money through the sheer audacity in asking for multiple dollars)... was I being cheap? Or did I think he was better off without my money? I barely know what's good for ME let alone what's good for poor people.
63. Expensive Sandwiches (.66). I eat more often at Subway than I do at gourmet delicatessens, but I have spent (and probably will again) way more on expensive sandwiches than a sane person would.
64. Recycling (.33). Not quite a zero. The earth will probably be fucked whether I separate the cardboard from the green bottles, but I would feel guilty otherwise. Damn my whiteness!
65. Co-Ed Sports (.33). This is in theory. I haven't don't co-ed sports since college, but I like the idea of chicks in shorts so can't give it a zero.
66. Divorce (1). Yeah. :S
67. Standing Still at Concerts (1). I'm more comfortable when music doesn't ask me to do anything other than tap my toes or nod my head. Unless I'm drunk and within arm's reach of a girl that I think wants me to be within arm's reach of her. Still... concerts and standing still and Ed O. are a natural combination.
68. Michael Gondry (0). Who?
69. Mos Def (0). Who?
70. Difficult Breakups (1). See 66. Yeah. :S
71. Being the only white person around (0). A few months ago I went to a karaoke place. Shocking, right? Well... this trip had a twist. I went with a friend (see 11) to a Thai restaurant that did karaoke. I was surrounded by her friends and very little English was spoken and I never got to sing a song and it was... tremendously awkward. Obviously it wasn't just the color difference... it was cultural, and being surrounded by a bunch of women is rarely easy... but I don't revel in the sort of self-righteous sense of exploration and courage that this item attributes to us white folk.
72. Study Abroad (0). Never did it. Never contemplate it. Study a broad? That's a different matter! wakka-wakka
73. Gentrification (.66). I enjoy making fun of people who live on the east side (outside of Seattle, by Microsoft, for those of you who for some reason haven't moved here yet) because of the lack of culture... and I spend the vast majority of my outings at a karaoke bar! Irony is great (see 50).
74. Oscar Parties (0). This, naturally, came up in conversation a couple of times in the past week. I think I'd rather clean my kitty box repeatedly than sit in front of the broadcast of the show... and an Oscar party isn't much more appealing. Unless there were a bunch of people named "Oscar" there. I love parties with lots of guys.
75. Threatening to Move to Canada (0). I have been threatening to visit Canada for the last several weeks, but in terms of it as some sort of political protest? Nah.
76. Bottles of Water (.66). I have some in stock at my place (some visitors like them). Wait. I'm bumping this up to .66 because Propel Fitness Water is the best fucking drink in the history of the universe. And the world.

Total points this round (of 19): 5.33 (28%).

Total points overall (of 76): 29.21 (37.7%).

Stuff Ed O. Likes (Part III)

Continuing examination of the Stuff White People Like blog vis a vis me. Scoring remains the same (0, .33, .66, 1 with 0 being not at all and 1 being a direct hit).

Score coming into Round Three (of four): 11.67 of 38 (30.7%)

39. Netflix (0). I have never subscribed. Never have considered subscribing. I don't watch enough movies and I have a feeling the one movie I was sent a month would collect dust for... oh, about a month.
40. Apple Products (0). I really am not a fan of Apple computers, iPods, and whatever other tupperware-looking pieces of technology Jobs and company put out.
41. Indie Music (.66). I recently had a conversation with a friend about what "Indie Music" is... Morpheus had downloaded a package of Indie and it was, well, too indie for him. Or too Indie. I'm screwing up the capitalization. I don't claim to be an expert on music by any means, but if we substitute "non-mainstream" for "Indie" I suppose this mainly applies to me.
42. Sushi (.66). The number of things that are part of my conversations on a regular basis is kind of scary, but (again) I had a recent convo with someone about sushi... she is half-Japanese but doesn't like sushi. I started into my standard "I'm like a sushi camel" routine,  but then it occurred to me that Travel Mate 2000 and Morpheus drag me to sushi almost every Saturday.
43. Plays (.33). I was in plays growing up. I occasionally attend them. Partial credit.
44. Public Radio (0). Ugh. I'm sure it's got lots of good info, but I can't take it.
45. Asian Fusion Food (.33). I try to kick it old school in the ID or go to a more legit Thai place, rather than go to Wild Ginger, every time I want to eat some asian food. Of course, I do eat at a place next door that claims to be the best teriyaki and chinese food in town... and it's run by Koreans. Does that count as asian fusion?
46. The Sunday New York Times (0). Never read it. Not a fan.
47. Arts Degrees (1). I have a BA or two, I think... in economics and political science. Actually, I'd prefer to think that they are BS degrees, but I'm just not sure... need to bust out the ol' diploma and get to the bottom of this... or I can just shrug and not worry about it. Hmm. Yeah. *shrug*
48. Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops (0). I've been to Whole Foods and Trader Joe's occasionally, but they could all dry up and blow away and I wouldn't miss them one bit.
49. Vintage (.33). A little bit. I don't go shopping for actual vintage stuff (see 50) but when I renovated my house (see 37) we did it in the original 1910 style (see 49).
50. Irony (1). I know that "irony" can be a mere redefinition of hypocrisy. I don't like hypocrisy, but I like irony. Weird, huh?
51. Living by the water (.33). It's not a life goal of mine, but I enjoy reading by a body of water... especially if I don't have to go outside (the sun makes me squint and might spoil my pasty skin).
52. Sarah Silverman (1). Not gonna see her in concert. Haven't seen all of her shows or whatever. But she's funny and cute and racist. Perfect combo...
53. Dogs (1). I am not currently in possession of one. But I've loved a few dogs in my time (insert Borat jokes here) and I anticipate someday having one and repeatedly cursing at him every night, hoping to encourage him to poop more quickly.
54. Kitchen Gadgets (1). I have about 20 square feet of kitchen space. I have about 20 kitchen gadgets, from a milkshake maker to a combo sandwich/pancake griller to something I call a "sink". I'm a madman.
55. Apologies (1). I love apologizing for apologizing too much. It's kinda pathetic, and whenever I put up an "I'm not going to apologize" front it gets me all out of sorts.
56. Lawyers (1). Wow. I'm on a roll with the whiteness. I am not close to many attorneys, but I am one and I know lots of them and I recognize their value. That's a "one" in my book. And this is my book. Except the lack of actual pages or whatever.
57. Juno (1). Not quite as funny as I'd hoped... it had a heart, though. In spite of the presence of a heart in a movie often making me gag, I was somehow able to look past it and enjoy this movie. A lot.

Total points this round (of 19): 10.66 (56%).

Total points so far (of 57): 23.33 (40.9%).

Stuff Ed O. Likes (Part II)

Continuing examination of the Stuff White People Like blog vis a vis me. Scoring remains the same (0, .33, .66, 1 with 0 being not at all and 1 being a direct hit).

Score coming into Round Two (of four): 6.33 of 19 (33%)

20. Being an expert on YOUR culture (0). I don't think I've ever tried to impress someone with my understanding of their culture. Well, some girls I have, but they don't count.
21. Writer's Workshops (0). I enjoy reading about Harlan Ellison at the old-school workshops as much as the next guy, but I have never considered going to one of those.
22. Having Two Last Names (0). Nope.
23. Microbreweries (0). I don't drink any beer other than raspberry lambic, and I've only had that once. Not interested in microbrews.
24. Wine (.66). This is almost spot-on for me. I enjoy wine at more of a meta level than in actuality.
25. David Sedaris (0). Just not my scene, man.
26. Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!) (0). Never been to NYC. I want to go, I guess, but I don't discriminate between boroughs. I guess I'd like to see the sign from "Welcome Back Cotter". Other than that? I dunno.
27. Marathons (0). I prefer to think of "marathon" as a relative term... 30 minutes on the elliptical? That's a fucking marathon for me. Running, with the pounding of the shins and the potential jostling with other sweaty (or soon-to-be-) people? Ugh.
28. Not Having a TV (0). I spend MUCH more time on the Web than I do watching TV, but as the owner of a wide-screen HDTV I guess I can't give myself any points for this.
29. 80s Night (.66). If I weren't so lazy, this would be a "one". I didn't really listen to 80's music until college (which was, in case you think I'm REALLY old) actually in the 90's... so I lack the same depth of nostalgia that many people my age have for it. But I'm still a fan... every time F-bomb asks if the crowd likes 80's music, I hoot. EVERY time.
30. Wrigley Field (1). I spent four years near Chicago, and Wrigley field was great. I actually went to significantly more games at New Comiskey, but when I talk about my college experience, I mention Wrigley. I'm white.
31. Snowboarding (0). Have skiied but once, and have never snowboarded. It looks like six knee ligaments (MCL, PCL, ACL in each leg) explosion just waiting to happen to me.
32. Vegan/Vegetarianism  (0). I don't like meat on the bone, but I like meat as a general rule (yes, that is what she said). I could almost be a vegetarian... but vegan? Way, way too much work. Again: I'm lazy.
33. Marijuana (0). *shrug* Just not my thing.
34. Architecture (.33). I guess I appreciate architecture a bit. I have an architect friend and I enjoy old buildings.
35. The Daily Show/Colbert Report (.33). I'm surrounded by people who love this show. I feel like a pariah. An island of indifference in a sea of John Stewart-induced brain jizz. But I admit that both shows have their funny moments, so I get partial credit.
36. Breakfast Places (.33). Another "if I weren't so lazy" comment here... I love breakfast (it's my second-favorite meal of the day) but I rarely eat it simply because I'm usually asleep or scrambling to make it into work for my first meeting.
37. Renovations (1). We spent considerable time and money renovating our bathroom, our dining room, and our entire upstairs. It was beautiful. Then I moved out.
38. Arrested Development (1). If I could give more than a "one" I would. Maybe my favorite show of all time. Pure genius that overcomes my normal aversion to unadulterated hyperbole.

Total points this round (of 19): 5.33 (28%).

Total points so far (of 38): 11.67 (30.7%).

Stuff Ed O. Likes (Part I)

There's a pretty damn funny blog called Stuff White People Like. It's written well and it pokes fun at white people, and seemingly ESPECIALLY at Seattle-based white folks. As I read through this (which, because of my work schedule, class, and intense naptime requirements, has taken a considerable amount of time), I tended to say, "That's not me!" or, "OMFG, that is so me." In the former case, I was pretty much able to think of two or three (white) people that I knew/was friends with who it totally reminded me of.

But how many applied to me? Given my egocentricism (edocentricism) I wanted to know. And given my geekiness, I wanted to know quantifiably. Ergo this blog and its succeeding entries.

There are currently 76 things that white people like. I plan on tackling 19 a blog entry... listing the item with a link to that entry, a blurb on how it applies to me (if at all) and a numerical value. The numerical value is 0 (not at all), .33 (a bit), .66 (mostly), and 1 (all the way, baby).

Let's see how this goes...

1. Coffee (0). I don't drink coffee. Probably never will. Off to a non-white start.
   
2. Religions that their parents don't belong to (.33). My mom is/was a non-practicing Catholic. We never went to church. I am less religous/spiritual than they are,though, and I want to get on the board early.
   
3. Film Festivals (.33). I don't go out of my way to go to them, but I confess I participated in one in college a few times (I feel like a candidate admitting drug use back in the day). I've also been to a few SIFF events.
   
4. Assists (.66). I think John Stockton was awesome. I preferred Magic Johnson to Michael Jordan for much of the time they were in the NBA together. So I guess I am pretty much white here.
   
5. Farmers Markets (0). I lived by one for a few years and don't think I bought one the whole time.
   
6. Organic Food (0). I am not willing to pay the premium for this.
   
7. Diversity (.66). The point of the blog is diversity in restaurants. Which I definitely participate in... but I don't go to a Greek place or an Indian food place because I want to be diverse, but because of the great-tasting food and the women I can drag along with me.
   
8. Barak Obama (0). Sorry. Seems like a nice guy. Just not into him.
   
9. Making you feel bad about not going outside (0). I used to get chastised by my mom for not wanting to go outside. I currently am as untan as a human can be. Definitely a zero here.
   
10. Wes Anderson movies (1). The first full hit. I haven't seen all of his work, but I've seen Bottle Rocket enough to give me full credit in spite of that.
    
11. Asian Girls (1). Um. Do I really want to comment on this?
    
12. Non-Profit Organizations (0). I've taken a legal CLE involving them, and my ex- was/is involved with one. But for me? Meh.
    
13. Tea (.33). I don't have any tea in my apartment, but I drink it whenever I go out for "coffee" with someone. Actually, I get it when I go out for "coffee" with a girl. I get some sort of berry-based frappuccino otherwise. To wit:
    
    
    
    
    
14. Having Black Friends (0). Sorry. I don't know that I've ever had a friend who was black. Or, rather, a person who was black as a friend. Hmm... why did I type that second sentence? You're going to be MUCH more concerned about my de facto racism than by my ambiguous sentence construction...
    
15. Yoga (.66). I don't take yoga classes... at this point. I like yoga. What can I say? This might be a "one" if I can ever get my schedule more organized.
    
16. "Gifted" Children (1). I was one. Just like 99% of the people who are reading this blog. Believe the hype!
    
17. Hating their parents (0). I think there was a one week period where I was angry at them... sometime when I was 13 or so. I was so angry I wrote down my thoughts in a journal... maybe even in some sort of poetic structure. I hope those writings have been lost. Kind of. My parents know, though, that they have to walk on eggshells around me because this can become a "one" in the blink of an eye. I have a quick temper towards my kin.
    
18. Awareness (.33). I don't try to build awareness in others, but I try to be aware. Partial credit.
    
19. Traveling (0). Canada and Mexico don't really count, and I haven't been anywhere else. Hell... I rarely have interest in going to the coast. Definite zero.

Platitudinous reassurances

Yesterday morning I was told a story by a friend/coworker. He had traveled to the east coast and met a man from Texas who, as it turns out, was a Democrat. Ann Richards, former Democratic governor of Texas, came up in conversation and it turns out this guy from Texas knew her. Or, at least, had been introduced a couple of times.

As it turns out, and I know this will shock you, a politician of her stature meets a lot of people. Let me amend that. A lot. I'm sure she had a great memory, but obviously she couldn't remember the name of every person she met.

Well, she might not have remembered names, but she remembered people. And when she was reintroduced to this guy (a couple of reintroductions, it seems) she had the same schtick down:

Ann Richards: How are you?
Non-Ann Richards Person: [insert any response here]
Ann Richards: You're great!

Now, I don't begrudge her having a standard spiel. Whether it's 99% genuine or 1% genuine (maybe she really does think that everyone she's met previously is "great"), it's a response that makes her happy and probably is better than the alternative of acting oblivious/apathetic to previous encounters.

The reason I mention all of this (other than my joy in blogging about dead chicks) is that last night in class I had a similar vibe coming from the prof. This instructor is someone who's sensitive to over-lecturing and so tries to get the class really involved. Especially the last half of the class, when we were discussing case studies we'd read (shockingly, unlike every week in every class, none of them were on Wal-Mart or Dell or Southwest this week... I am undergoing withdrawals right now)

There are some bright people in my class... there are probably some dim ones, too, but the dim ones are at least smart enough to hide it reasonably well. Even in a group of bright people, however, some questions or comments are going to be dumb. No offense to anyone, of course, in saying that. Even I made a dumb comment in 2005 after a similar gaffe in 1998.

Interestingly, though, the professor thinks that every comment is great. Every question is fantastic. Every point is incredible.

She says it with sincerity... or at least well-faked sincerity. Which is the same thing, right?

After six weeks of this (well... four weeks, given my skipping of two classes) I'd become inured to it and it didn't really seem like much of a much. Something changed my mind, though, and triggered the Ann Richards connection and this blog entry.

She was lecturing, with a PowerPoint presentation, about mergers and acquisitions. We were talking about synergy and when a merger or acquisition made sense. The statement she had on the slide (and which I took issue with) was something like this:

"An acquisition should only be made if the combined value of the companies is greater than the value of the companies individually."

At the time of purchase, this is almost impossible, since a premium has to be paid for the acquired company. Over time, though, I don't think this statement is at all true, and I raised my hand to tell her my opinion.

Unfortunately, I didn't do a good job of explaining. She told me I had an excellent point, but I knew she didn't really understand what I meant. I wanted her to understand so she could correct my thinking or admit that her slide was wrong. I thought if I took the time to explain it--to demonstrate it in a hypothetical--she would understand and give me something other than the "excellent point" reply.

So I did the unthinkable. Class was dismissed, and everyone was filing out. I approached the teacher, with a piece of paper and a hypothetical involving two companies.

Company A is worth $200b. Company B is worth $40b. Company A acquires B for $45b (paying a $5b premium). A day after the purchase A is worth $195b and B is worth zero. A year after the purchase, A is worth $250b (making this up to make the point) and B is still worth zero. So the net value of the two companies is $250b.

Now... in a world where the acquisition was not made, a day later A is worth $200b and B is worth $40b. A year later the companies are worth $225b and $40b, respectively.

Note that in the second case, the net value is $265b. From society's perspective, the merger eroded value. But from Company A's perspective, it was better off for having made the purchase.

Going back to the prof's slide, it stated that the value of the combined entity had to be greater than that of the companies separately. In my hypothetical, I feel I had disproved that statement.

She commented that it was a best-case scenario, and I said that may be the case, but that the acquiring company should look to its own growth and not rely on holistic opportunity costs for society.

Her response? "You're great."

Oh, wait. No; "Excellent point."

*sigh*

Ravings of a Random Randy ... um... Raver

One thing that's been an unexpected (although not surprising, in retrospect) side effect of being single (or, as I put in my MySpace profile, "Divorced"... if/when I get "In a Relationship" I'm going to get all confused about whether to change it or not...) is thinking a lot about dating and relationships.

I had expected to think of women. I hadn't really thought that I would spin my wheels so much in abstract musings/pontifications/internal ravings regarding women in general.

I blogged about dating as juggling almost 20 months ago. I recently revealed to a few intimates my thoughts about women as fortune cookies. And now? The latest thoughts.

So here's the deal. This isn't terribly insightful. It's not an answer for me or for anyone about dating or significant others or picking up dudes to sleep with or trying to convince the Seahawks to sign Michael Turner as a free agent this offseason. Of course, that caveat is pretty much Ctrl-v'able for every blog entry. So here we go.

I'm going to classify relationships. Placing the classification on a graph, there are two axes, the two variables and the two states for each. The variables are "Start of a Relationship" and "Mature State of a Relationship" (or, alternatively, "End of a Relationship"... where it achieves steady state for better or worse). The states are "Good" and "Bad".

Dramatic oversimplification? Sure. Ambiguous? Yes. "Good" and "Bad" can mean different things to different people... even in the same relationship. There's no cutoff for the Start or Mature states of relationships. Hopefully you can accept this in the same way you so readily accept rational actors in classical macroeconomic theory. (You do accept rational actors in classical macroeconomic theory, right? Right?)

As you can see, there are four different classifications based on the four different quadrants. I want to talk to each a little bit. There will be pictures.

Turkey
 (Good Start, Bad End) 

Have you seen a baby turkey? There are lots of different kinds of turkeys, but from what I can tell, they start off pretty cute.

Sure, it's got a little bump on its noggin, and bird feet are disgusting. But he's a cute little guy, right? Similarly, relationships can start good... they don't need to be perfect to be promising and to get one excited about the future. So... in case some of you don't see where this is going, let's check out an adult turkey:

Dear lord. Foul.

I don't need to make a list of what can go wrong with a relationship... when they start well and end up poorly (involving, but not limited to, homemade lasagna being eaten alone after being stood up, someone canceling their MySpace account without ever calling you back after the first date, and being kidnapped by the Chinese government and being tortured for a year) I classify them as "Turkeys". And I think that it's obvious that the vast majority of dating situations are turkeys.

Oak

(Bad Start, Good End) 

The Oak is the opposite of the Turkey... it starts off bad but ends well.

That is not TravelMate 2000's penis. That is an acorn. I suppose it (the acorn, not TravelMate 2000's penis) can be used for a hearty soup or for acorn fights (assuming proper eye protection is available, natch) but... it's not really much of an indication that it's going to be much of a much. Unless you know that an acorn grows into an oak tree under the right conditions.

I'm no expert, but even under the best of circumstances not every acorn will blossom to reach its potential. In a dating/early relationship situation, there are a lot of acorns, right? And what percentage of those are going to become mighty oaks? (There are so many erection jokes here, I can barely contain myself...)

Of course, it's necessary to remember that an acorn is a "bad start". While an acorn looks good when you see it later as a tree, in real life an acorn might be something else. Something much less pleasant.

Cobra

(Bad Start, Bad End) 

No, that's not TravelMate 2000's penis, either (stop asking!). It's a baby cobra, newly hatched from its egg. Maybe someone MIGHT think, "What a cute little pink, scaly, nasty little motherfucker who starts biting within moments of coming out of its egg!" Maybe.

The odds are, though, that we can agree that it's bad news. Especially since we all know that it will eventually grow into a larger, scaly, nasty motherfucker who will kill you if you start singing Neil Diamond in its presence.

It's just off camera, but some pathetic "Sweet Caroline" crooner is about to get some venom to his neck.

So... a baby cobra is disgusting in a way that an acorn is not... but in the "Start" state they're the same. By sticking around in a bad-starting relationship (whatever that means to you... maybe an unattractive person, maybe a an alcoholic, maybe a karaoke singer (OK... the last two things are redundant, but you get my point)) you might get an oak. Or you might get a cobra.

Alba
(Good Start, Good End) 

The opposite of the Cobra is, of course, the Alba. As in Jessica Alba. I know a lot of thesis papers have been written throughout this decade, comparing and contrasting the two, but I want to make my own contribution.

I first became aware of Jessica Alba around 1995. I was finished with undergrad. I was in the middle of my longterm relationship. She was 14 and had a part on the "Flipper" television show. She was 14, as I said, and I was 21-22ish. Now? Seven or eight years is nothing. At that point? It was enough to make me wonder what the fuck was wrong with me that I found her so hot.

Now I'm older and... she was an attractive kid. Good start.

"But whatever became of her?", I hear you asking. Well, rather than slipping from the public consciousness and/or becoming plain as she aged, she became... um... better.

So. Yeah. A relationship that starts well and ends well is an "Alba". Clearly she has a good end.

While the Alba is the opposite of the Turkey, it's quite uncommon. It would be interesting to see if the Alba is more or less common than the Oak... I'll have to do a study or something.