Ten Things I'd Like to Say

Most of the time in my life, when I really want to say something I say it. Whether it's with my friends or my family, I trust that they can handle what I have on my mind. If I can deal with consequences of what I say to them, then acquaintances and coworkers (yes, once upon a time I had some of those on a daily basis) and potential dates and actual dates and homeless people... none of them matter as much because they will either accept what I say or not be able to handle it.Or, I suppose, they will disagree with me about it and we'll work it out and/or fight until one of us puts the other in the ER.
In any case, one place where I consistently hold my tongue (not literally; it's not sanitary) is working as a karaoke host. For those of you who've never been to karaoke, here's the basic template for what a host does:

1. "Hey everybody, thanks for coming out. My name's Ed and I'm your karaoke host tonight. We've got the lovely and talented Brandy behind the bar. Make sure you take care of her because you know she's taking care of you."
   
2. "The way this works is you get a slip of paper and a pen and find the song you want to sing. Write down your name, the name of the song, and the number for the song and I'll put you in line."
   
3. "Next up we have Katie and John. Katie and John, come on up to the karaoke podium."
   
4. "That was fantastic. Give it up for Katie and John, everyone. All right!"

There are different ways of putting each of these four main points, but the one I'd like to focus on is the fourth one: the aftermath of the songs. I am allowed, as the host, to make jokes. I am allowed to make jokes, as far as I know, at the expense of other people. I try to keep that under wraps, though, because even as most singers and listeners are drunk, it's often the case that people might not appreciate me eviscerating their singing prowess, their clothes, or their lack of coordination as they spilled 2/3 of their beer over themselves during their songs.The mere fact that I control myself in my comments, though, does not mean that I don't have inappropriate comments pop into my head. As I was hosting tonight (Valentine's Day, Schmalentine's Day.. it was just an excuse for me to make lasagna from scratch and wear my red silk boxers with a heart design on them) I had a few pop into my head.These are things that I might be tempted to say, but that I never would. I can be tempted either because I actually think it or because it would be funny.

1. "That was the longest 3:47 of my life."
   
   
2. "Stop clapping, people. That was horrible."
   
   
3. "Hey, Janet! If you are going to wear that, you need to lose some pounds. Seriously. Your face is OK but you need to hide that shit."
   
   
4. "Bravo! John just sang his third song in the last hour and hasn't tipped me. Will some of you in the audience please sign up for a song so this guy stops getting a free ride?"
   
   
5. "That was Lisa. She is not much of a singer, but me gusta las boobies."
   
   
6. "If I ever see you try to dance again, I will personally kick the living shit out of you."
   
   
7. "I know you can't sing, but are you unable to read the words on the television screen? Are you incapable of hearing the music that is being played? Is it too much to ask that you sign up for a song that maybe you've heard once before in your entire fucking life?"
   
   
8. "Wow. That was reasonably well sung, but I have no idea how you have snagged such an attractive lady friend. Good work. Asshole."
   
   
9. "That was Teresa. Next up we have Arjun. I know that 'Diddy and Tyler' have been waiting for 90 minutes, and they should be next, but they are such major douchbags that I will make them wait until closing, if I have to, just to keep them from prancing around with their backwards baseball caps." (Special note: I do not actually bump people back merely because I don't like how they look. Well, except for lepers, and they rarely come into the bar.)
   
   
10. "Wow! That song selection makes me want to set myself on fire."

I may seem like an angry person with this little list. I'm not usually an angry person. People just sometimes have the effect of making me that way.